I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize