there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize