i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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