Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
