I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
