I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize