brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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