I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
