I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
