Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
