ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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