You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
