your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So much Jack, so little girl.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Shame - the story of my life.
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