Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just forgot I was standing up.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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