I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
