i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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