Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
