Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
