I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
