I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
