1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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