i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
