he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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