I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize