I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
