How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
