Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
