Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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