I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
