i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
