brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
