We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
