if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize