i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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