I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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