he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
