hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
