When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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