Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You made out with two different species that night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
