If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
