totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
