I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
