looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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