No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
