I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
