I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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