dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
