He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize