If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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