I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
