That's when you crack a 10am beer
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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