I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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