I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
