ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
