lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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